Author Archives: homeoffice

Whoever sat here developed some sort of point system for items found on desks in the office. Did he play this game with coworkers? Was this his own personal game, developed to keep some element of fun in his day,like prisoners mark the days on the wall with slashes in old timey movies? I don't know, but it seems like something I would do. Kindred spirits. I bet that SOB is spending the winter in Costa Rica or something.

Of course, I’d have some modifications. For one, giving points for a phone is bunk, since everyone has one. And I don’t quite understand the high point value for a paper clip cup, though that’s kinda funny.  And I’d like to add a 500 point bonus for any picture of a celebrity hung up.*  And maybe a bonus for a calendar featuring animals (not in an animal rights way, in a “oh, look at the fluffy kittens” lame way).  Anywho, me and my former work friend Judy would have a multilayered point value system in place, and it would be competitive.** I like it! 

Yes, I’m making myself feel better about possibly reentering the work force.

* There was a girl at my old company who had Freddie Prinze Junior tear outs all over her desk. That would have been a gold mine.
** Btw, oh dear god, it is really hard to concentrate with all the gabbing, gossip, and giggling that takes place in an office. I deeply apologize to all former colleagues, as I am quite aware that that’s usually me. Between the Match.com date recaps, weekend plan summaries, Girl Scout cookie transactions… How do people work in these places?!!!!   Get me back to the home office!

I’m in a real life office today. As awful as I remember! How did people ever think this was a suitable place for human beings to spend their day?

At least there’s coffee!

I’m done with the book I was reading and found myself with some time on my hands on the F train from Brooklyn to Manhattan. I spent some of my time avoiding the homeless woman who had shat herself and was moving car to car despite my attempts to stay one ahead of her. When that was done, and I searched through my bag. Two things learned:

Keep away from fat! I remember once me and my friend stole about 6 dozen fried garlic bread sticks from the Hauppague Pizza Hut lunch buffet. I don't think I could do that with this bag. Growny uppy.

Also:

Oh nuts, that wasn't trial sized hand moisturizer! And I put it on right before shaking an interviewer's hand. You know, I thought it was watery.

As with any office, the pulse of the Home Office relies on coffee.  It’s brewed before the morning dog walk, and sometimes even consumed while we lazily just let the dogs out the back, blaming the weather.  On average we brew 2 pots a day, usually filling it at the 7 cup mark on the Krups. We drink it out of big mugs. I thought everything was just fine, until W woke up one day and said those dreaded words:

“I think we’re drinking too much coffee”

I rolled my eyes and gathered my defenses, because I knew what happened and what was coming. Either he read something somewhere, or he himself hadn’t been feeling well and decided to blame coffee. But, much like the Great Gym Push of 2009, once he has something in his head he was going to be a single minded prick and try to make me do something I didn’t want to do. In this case… drink decaf.

The new coffee bar. The secondary measuring cup is necessary because rare is the day that I can keep track of how many scoops I’ve put in the filter from start to finish. I start filling it up, but then start thinking of something else (ideas!) and have to dump it out and start over. I should be on medication. Or at least FULL CAF COFFEE.

Yeah, so W implemented, without any vote, the “Half Caf” coffee brewing procedure. We got all this Gevalia coffee for Chrismukkah, so the idea is to blend it with the decaf. Let’s just say that I’ve been more eager than usual to make the coffee, so that I have control of the caf/ decaf ratios.

This new [ridiculous] rule has also made me much more motivated to do the food shopping. Because inside the Pathmark is a Dunkin Donuts. And inside that Dunkin Donuts is a large full caf coffee with my name on it. For extra spite I get half and half instead of skim. Last week I came in the apartment doing a dance, spinning around, then took out my empty DD coffee cup. I believe the word “sucka” might have been uttered.

Let’s hope this phase passes quickly.