Category Archives: Uncategorized

As with any office, the pulse of the Home Office relies on coffee.  It’s brewed before the morning dog walk, and sometimes even consumed while we lazily just let the dogs out the back, blaming the weather.  On average we brew 2 pots a day, usually filling it at the 7 cup mark on the Krups. We drink it out of big mugs. I thought everything was just fine, until W woke up one day and said those dreaded words:

“I think we’re drinking too much coffee”

I rolled my eyes and gathered my defenses, because I knew what happened and what was coming. Either he read something somewhere, or he himself hadn’t been feeling well and decided to blame coffee. But, much like the Great Gym Push of 2009, once he has something in his head he was going to be a single minded prick and try to make me do something I didn’t want to do. In this case… drink decaf.

The new coffee bar. The secondary measuring cup is necessary because rare is the day that I can keep track of how many scoops I’ve put in the filter from start to finish. I start filling it up, but then start thinking of something else (ideas!) and have to dump it out and start over. I should be on medication. Or at least FULL CAF COFFEE.

Yeah, so W implemented, without any vote, the “Half Caf” coffee brewing procedure. We got all this Gevalia coffee for Chrismukkah, so the idea is to blend it with the decaf. Let’s just say that I’ve been more eager than usual to make the coffee, so that I have control of the caf/ decaf ratios.

This new [ridiculous] rule has also made me much more motivated to do the food shopping. Because inside the Pathmark is a Dunkin Donuts. And inside that Dunkin Donuts is a large full caf coffee with my name on it. For extra spite I get half and half instead of skim. Last week I came in the apartment doing a dance, spinning around, then took out my empty DD coffee cup. I believe the word “sucka” might have been uttered.

Let’s hope this phase passes quickly.

I am writing this post as I listen to H “at work” on the phone. Minutes ago a phone call awoke her from a mid afternoon nap and to our delight it was a call recruiting for a focus group next week. Focus groups have been a nice source of extra income, that H has been gleefully garnering over the past 18 months.*

H put this call on speakerphone so i could enjoy. Some highlights:

– Apparently H is currently making a six figure salary (then – why is she not paying rent??? Sounds like a far cry from the $387/week she gets from the good people of the Empire State gov’t.)

–  H visits Google News at least 12 times per week. (umm – I think she is confusing Google News with TMZ)

– To the question “when was the last time you did a focus group”, Hol responded: “Not sure..Had to be years ago. I think it was for credit cards” (or maybe a few weeks ago, for the second iphone focus group she’s attended in the last 3 months)

– Focus group participants are not supposed to have worked – or know someone who has worked –  in PR, Marketing or Media. (if one were to look at resumes in the Home Office: check, check and …check!)

pretty soon H is going to have to wear wigs and disguises. there’s only so many times (at the same facilities) that the opinionated readhed can slip under the radar

*If there was such a thing as a  professional focus-grouper, I think that would be H’s calling. I’ve never seen someone so giddy over the possibility to spend an hour and a half with 8-12 strangers, expressing her opinion, stretching the truth**, and eating free salty snacks and soda. The $100-$200 cash ain’t bad either.

**In the past, I’ve overhead H on the screening calls describing what baby strollers she uses, what kind of food our cats eat and her local political activism. In case you didn’t know: we have no kids or cats and the only interaction H has with local politicians is apologizing to them if  our dog sticks her snoot in their pants when they ring the doorbell.

Somehow over the past month W has become the building yenta.  In drips and drabs he’d start mentioning how neighbor A is visiting his boyfriend in DC. And how neighbor B has a much higher than usual electric bill. And how it took neighbor C 2 hours to get over the GW after Christmas. Oh, and Neighor D usually makes black eyed peas and cabbage on New Year’s day (W was hoping for an invite)… he must be from the South.

And so W’s new nickname is born. Welcome, Jackee.

He’s even been racing the old lady neighbor to shovel the snow out front, and has befriended her so that she continues to leave toys for our dogs at our stoop.  I’m afraid to go back to work and come home to find a canasta tournament going on in the apartment.

In an attempt to keep myself occupied while there is hockey on TV, I busted out the whiteboard

A peek into the "If you had a new hockey team, what would you name it" brainstorming session.

As you can see, the names started falling under the categories “Hockey related” ” Olde Timey” ” War” ” Occupuations”* and “Eskimo/ Cold weather related”

In the end, we think the SQUALLS win it alllllllll!

* Yes, I realize “Mercenaries” and “Emperors” are a stretch under the Occupations category, and that Millers should be there. You can’t disturb a good brainstorm

The parental units were very generous to the home office employees this holiday season. One gift from H’s mom was a check made out to both of us. Do we both need to endorse it? Is this a subtle nod that we should already have a joint account (ie. why are we not married yet?). Hmmm.

This also begs the question – what should we allocate these “joint” holiday funds to? Since we both need to agree, H suggested that whoever has a thought on how to spend this cash, must submit an official proposal first – which will then be reviewed.  Grand idea. Break out the whiteboard for a brainstorming session.

umm… Interesting proposal, H – Peach Os, Wine and more Fleece Pants? But, did you get the memo? Where’s your cover sheet?

Upon hearing our discussion, our friend snidely remarked that perhaps rent, utilities or cable would be a good place to start.  Way to stomp on my holiday spirit.* Submit a proposal, smart ass!

* Apparently, (despite 30+ years of Hanukkah) I am very good at celebrating xmas. Who knew? H has been calling me “Kris F’in Kringle”.

Jewish? Oh – you’re in good company. So was JC!