H: “It must be awful to be Peyton Manning’s backup”
W: “Yeah. It’s like being Patti LuPone’s understudy”
W is good at making Football relateable to any audience.
Category Archives: Uncategorized
Magical Christmas Elf
We have created a character based on my morning suburban dog walking garb. Dubbed the Magical Christmas Elf, she muddles through in her LLBean boots, colorful flannel pants, and massive headgear. Exhausted and cranky, she is always accompanied by her merry band of magical four legged creatures and wanders the streets of Long Island with a giant bag of poo. So you best be on your best behavior or you just might end of with a sack of shit on your doorstep next Christmas, courtesy of this mystical figure.
Good luck in catching a glimpse this season!
Worst B and B ever
Christmas morning at my parents’ house is not exactly peaceful and serene. Let’s count the ways:
— my mother is up until roughly 4 am, making tons of noise and exclaiming “oh nooooooo” when a new Xmas disaster unfurls, ie where is that chafing dish!, I can’t find the extra napkin rings!, I was ahead of schedule until hollie and will showed up early!
— as late as she’s up at night, she’s awake banging around with myriad appliances by 8 am and talking — to no one in particular– about things that can possibly go wrong and how she won’t even get to enjoy it all…
–we share a too small bed with two anxious dogs who rise with the sun, knowing that grandma and grandpa are about to wake, ducks are on the lawn ready to be chased, and a specialty egg and cheese will soon be cooked for them
— even without the dogs, the east facing windows in the guest room are masked with LACE shades. FYI, lace shades do NOT block out sun. Add in the fact that in the home office we have sun blocker shades for our ground floor north facing bedroom.
— my dad is pacing around the house mumbling about how fn crazy my mother is and how much fn Christmas sucks starting Xmas eve and extending through the next day
— the Xmas phone calls start ringing through the 7 phones (with loud old timey rings) starting at about 9. With each call you get to hear about all there is to do that day and any variances that are not allowing for things to run as planned. These conversations occur with people who will be coming over in just a few hours
— because of the duck situation I can’t let the puppy off leash so despite having an acre of lawn, I have to bundle up to take the dogs out to pee.
— oh yeah and there about 4 clocks that chime every 15 minutes. And there is about a 2 minute variance between them. So it sounds like Westminster abbey every 12 minutes or so.
By 10:30 I am a cranky overtired bitch
Merry Christmas
Having lace shades is like hanging a doily hanging over a window. THEY DON'T WORK
Costume change
When gathering my interview materials, I included a comfortable pair of pants so I could find a bathroom and change out of this uncomfortable/ unnatural suit asap. There might have been some “you’re not serious are you?” comments thrown around. But as I sit here waiting for my lunch date in Chelsea, I am quite pleased with my foresight.
Interview tip: bring your resume, portfolio and comfy shoes and cords. Although try not to annoy the swedish interviewer, as I believe I did. ( Stop making me interview with foreign women, they are not my target audience! )
At least I’m comfortable now!
W update: While preparing for her interview last night, H asked me if I could bring her a comfortable change of clothes when we met for lunch. Not sure eating at a chinese restuarant and then taking a subway directly home required a full change from “work clothes” to flannel pants and a fleece. H’s request made it sound like she was leaving work to go apple picking and then horseback riding. Wow – it’s going to be a rough transition from the home office lifestyle! At least when I leave the home office, I will most likely still be able to maintain my uniform (ie. jeans, black T, adidas) – got to love internet marketing!
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Business attire
I actually have an interview tomorrow (COBRA only extends for so long, folks). I was smart enough to figure out what to wear tonight, but not smart enough to remember that the last time I had to wear a suit on a somewhat regular basis I was a size 4. I won’t say what size I am now, but it’s not a 4.
Therefore, my options are quite limited. And once I found something that fit (which is quite obviously a 6 year old Ann Taylor number. slick.), I realized that lo and behold, there is not a single pair of appropriate stockings to be found in the underwear drawer abyss. Fishnets? Three pair (they made a business come back in ’06, remember?). Novelty stockings? How about brown with a blue paisley, or perhaps a gray herringbone. But nude tights? Oh no. OK then, what about black stockings. HA! not a trace.
It’s times like this you miss Manhattan, and by Manhattan I mean 3 24 hour Duane Reades within 4 blocks.
It might take a second, but you will slowly realize that what you’re seeing is me glue sticking closed several runs on a pair of old black tights. Because why would I own hairspray?
So if you didn’t get the picture that I was a mess before, hopefully it’s all clear now. Seriously, maybe I do need another job to help me just get it together! Plus, I’m looking forward to the work stress and subsequent cigarettes that combined to make me a size 4 in the first place. (just kidding W. aha. aha.)
OK, glue stick just about dry, time for bed. Need to get the worm tomorrow!
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Ask the Expert
H just asked my advice on the format of her resume. I gave her my opinion and then promptly reminder her that I have been “working from the home office” for 3 months, myself. Perhaps she should seek some other counsel on the matter.
Seems akin to my friend asking my opinion on who to start for his fantasy football team.
friend: Would you use Beanie Wells or Austin Collie this week?
me: You do know that my team has a 1-11 record this season? Whatever I say, I suggest you do the exact opposite.
My name is George. I am bald, I am unemployed and I live with my parents
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I get older, they stay the same age (my friends, that is)
I accompanied my friend to a party in a crazy cool Brooklyn apartment. It was stylish and immaculate. It was full of gay guys from her swim team. It was great. My friend is only 27… it’s good to maintain younger friends, they keep you on your toes and don’t need babysitters!
This wasn’t a planned thing- we were on the subway and she said, “I said I’d stop by this party, I’m getting off here” and I said, “I’ll come with you.” hmmm I wasn’t really invited, was I? Today she IM’d me to recap how much fun we had and that she was planning on staying for 20 minutes, but with me we ended up staying for 3 hours. And throughout the party, while I was chatting away about everything from my favorite dips to Argentinian polo players, she kept telling me how I’m the best person-to-bring-to a-party-ever– I’m self sufficient and chatty. Oh, and I got shit canned (no dinner mistake) so badly that the dogs were afraid of me when I came home.
W just rolled his eyes when I told him that I was a hit, sure that I was just annoying everyone. HOWEVER, I have proof that I was a hit…
one of my new friends gave me his business card so that he could invite me to his party!
I was immediately called Kathy Griffin
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Pass the Werthers
W has taken to reading his new book all bundled up on the reading chair. I make fun of him for looking like an old lady, and have run with it. Comments just today include:
– how’s “chicken soup for the soul” coming along? Heart warming isn’t it
– i’ll fix you some soup for dinner (at 5 of course)
– can I get you another butterscotch, ma’am
You get it. But then I was like wait, he really is like an old lady! He is:
— obsessive about the neighbors picking up their mail (“do they not see it?? Oh, I’ll just bring it up to them”)
— already worried about the traffic to the upper east side on new years eve
— always thinks he’s sick or that a pimple is worrysome
— sensitive to temperature
— suggested we eat dinner at happy hour at brookvin… Bet 5-7
If he starts calling me dearie I’m out!
UPDATE: he asked me if I wanted tea and babka as an afternoon snack!
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No reason to smile
We had the reoccurring conversation today about height. You see, W claims to be 5’7″, but I am 5′ 7″ and I am taller than he is. Claims in today’s discussion included:
- Perhaps a Mens 5′ 7″ is different than a Womens 5′ 7″… just as a Mens size 10 shoe is bigger than a Womens size 10 shoe
- He wasn’t breastfed, so suffered a stunted growth. However, I wasn’t breastfed either. In fact, I challenged that most babies born between 1970-1988 were formula fed. I like to think my height is thanks to an obscene amount of milk drunk in the form of Carnation Instant Breakfast
- Average male height is 5′ 6″… and he is actually above average. I then qualified that he cannot count average WORLD height, which includes billions of small Asian people.
We went straight to the laptop to do some research, and W was momentarily pleased with himself when he read that the average US male height was 5’7″…. but then he reread it and that was for US men of Mexican descent.
I informed W that he’s actually TOO TALL to be a jockey and he threw up his hands and yelled, “TOO TALL!”
It’s reported that the average white US male is in fact 5′ 10 1/2″. When he expressed his shock, I brought up how he always seems to note that, “wow, everyone in this bar is tall,” or “wow, that group of friends is tall.”
However, the average woman is 5’4″. So if you take the 3 inches I’m OVER the average height, and the 4 inches W is UNDER the average height, we’re almost on par as a unit. At least we’re tall in personality!
Show off
“Oh, don’t worry, you talked.”
— W, in response to me complaining that I don’t think I got to talk to anyone during last night’s Festivus party
Party highlights to follow.
Posted in Uncategorized
Live from the Home Office 